If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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2015 Smackdown Bios

 

Name: Bryn Wittmayer
Fortune cookie: Always hire a lawyer.
Worst internet habit: I'm never really offline.
Hold Derek down... and let his kids decide what happens next.
Quote:

“The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.”
~ Terry Pratchett
 


Name: Paul Smith
Fortune: Don't go to bed.
Internet: What's that? And, I have no bad habits.
We should totally hold Derek down... and recite Monty Python lines to him.
Quote:

"That's Mr. Iceman to you."

 

Name: Mark “Shockerman Forever” Vetter
Fortune Cookie: "Rise above Derek and you will be a winner"
Worst Internet Habit: Wasting time reading Facebook
We should totally hold Derek down... and let "DOG" (player) lick his face.
Quote:
 

“Every day is a new day. It is better to be lucky. But I would rather be exact. Then when luck comes you are ready.”
~ Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

 

Name: David McFarlane
Fortune: you all will lose
Worst habit: checking sports too much to see if I won yet
We should hold Derek down... and make his picks for him
Quote:

"I won"

~almost any good person ever

(We here at Smackdown Central don’t really understand the quote, but David tied for sixth last year, so his quote can be whatever he wants.)
 


Name: John McFarlane
Fortune for a Fortune cookie: You will reconsider your life choices when writing a letter of concession to a pretentious teenager
Worst internet habit: Online diplomacy games.
We Should totally hold Derek down and... Force him to watch every Nicolas Cage movie in existence (We here at Smackdown Central wonder if John gets that cruel streak from his mother…)
Quote:

If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, "Sorry, Mom," but nobody beats me.
~Leo Durocher
 

Name: John Wittmayer
Write a fortune for a fortune cookie: So, apparently the rumors of your demise are greatly exaggerated?
Worst habit related to the Internet: Internet? Is that the thing Al Gore invented that I keep hearing about?
We should totally hold Derek down and... stop him from procreating, now that Olivia has joined the family.
Quote:

"What, me worry?"

(I borrowed that from Alfred E. Neuman - if you are too young to know about that, just "Google" it)
 

Name: Arthur "Wolfpack" Gepner
Fortune cookie: You learn from your mistakes... You will learn a lot today. Or never tease an armed midget with a high-five.
Worst Internet habit: I constantly search things up on the internet... btw... did you know...
We should totally hold Derek down and... use "Just for Men" on him so that he looks his age again.
Quote:

"Man who goes through turnstile sideways at the airport is going to Bangkok."
 

Name: "Marathon Sean" Heston
Fortune cookie: Look for wisdom elsewhere.
Worst habit related to the Internet: Destroying life's mysteries one Google search at a time.
We should totally hold Derek down and... make him listen to himself talk.
Quote:

The problem is never the solution. However, oftentimes the solution is a problem.
 

Name: Andrew Farhat
Fortune cookie: Your favorite NFL team will win the Super Bowl this year.
Worst habit related to the Internet: Excessive Seahawks coverage
We should totally hold Derek down and... give him a wedgie.
Quote:

“Faith is not primarily a function of how you feel. Faith is living out, trusting, and believing what truth is despite what you feel.”
 

Name: Michael "Toddzilla" Thummel
Fortune cookie: That wasn't chicken.
Worst habit related to the Internet: Despite what many may suspect, my biggest time-sink on the net would probably be YouTube weepies. Kids gettin' puppies, Soldiers coming home, those ones where kids get a cochlear implant and hear for the first time. I'm a big sappy sucker for those. I can't explain it, but about once a month (this weekend, for example) I'll find myself watching those sorts of things. For hours. For fun I also can also be up till midnight laughing at YouTube people after they get their wisdom teeth removed. Oh, one more bad internet habit, I'll write something witty on facebook, then lose confidence in my abilities to be witty on facebook and then I delete what I have just posted and feel defeated. Again.
We should totally hold Derek down and... leave him be. Based on his record in this tournament, the man has suffered enough.
Quote:

Someone is sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.

~Warren Buffett.
 

Name: Craig "CBI" Kurtz
Fortune cookie: The best is yet to come ... whoops, you just missed it.
Worst internet habit: Participating in The Smackdown year after year after year...
Hold Derek down... and paint his toenails Cyclone red and gold.
Quote:

 

"We're No. 101!"*


* Fun fact: Colorado is the only team invited to a post-season tournament this year with a losing record. They made the College Basketball Invitational Tournament. That's right, the CBI. What's that, you ask? Why, it's "a postseason tournament comprised of a 16-team field [and created by a marketing company]. The CBI provides a meaningful opportunity for teams that are deserving of a postseason experience." Among the notable teams joining Colorado in the field are Radford, Stony Brook and Delaware State. Colorado will host the always-tough Gardner-Webb Runnin' Bulldogs of Boiling Springs, NC. I'm sure you will all join me to cheer for the Buffaloes in their quest to be the 101st best team in the country!

Name: Aron "What is this conference shuffle all about?!" Rider
Fortune cookie: Beware of the outstretched limbs of your own progeny.
Worst habit related to the Internet: defriending series spoilers on FB.
We should totally hold Derek down and... recite his stats in the Smackdown from the beginning to now, in 5 languages.
Quote:

 

"Everybody hears, but few listen."
 

Name: Dr. John Augusto
Fortune cookie: You will see the day when you will wake up with nothing to do, then you will die.
Worst habit related to the Internet: watching cat memes
We should totally hold Derek down and... dress him like a Oregon State beaver and make him sing the fight song down Pearl Street in Eugene
Quote:

 

I'm not insane. My mother had me tested!

~Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.
 


Name: Amy Smith
Fortune cookie: You will win the Smackdown this year. Lucky number: 64
Worst habit related to the Internet: Making silly cat videos that go viral.
We should totally hold Derek down... and tickle!
Quote:

 

In vain have you acquired knowledge if you have not imparted it to others.
- Deuteronomy Rabbah
 

Name: Mike Dome
Fortune cookie: Unfortunately, the chance to make a difference has passed you by.
Worst habit related to the internet: Entering way too many NCAA bracket contests.
We should totally hold Derek down and... force feed him broccoli
Quote:

 

Play Angry
 


Name: Meghan McGill
Fortune cookie: Don't be that guy.
Worst habit related to the Internet: opening too many tabs then never getting around to reading them all.
We should totally hold Derek down and... play the chipmunks' Christmas CD on repeat.
Quote:

 

There's no crying in baseball.
 


Name: Clif “Danger” Jefferis
Fortune cookie: Free beer, tomorrow.
Worst habit related to the Internet: TED talks.
We should totally hold Derek down and... write silly sayings all over him with magic markers.
Quote:

 

"Vivi come se dovessi morire domani, e ama come se dovessi vivere per sempre."
 


Name: Derek Simmons
Fortune: Do not take yourself so seriously--nobody else does.
Internet Habit: Derek has built a Pinterest empire revolving entirely around My Little Pony.
We should totally hold Derek down and... saw his toenails back down to human size. Those things are lethal weapons.
Quote:

 

"It is best to act with confidence, no matter how little right you have to it."
 


Name: Michael "I Don't Know Derek" Bird
Fortune cookie: You will drink at least one beer during the NCAA basketball tournament.
Worst habit related to the Internet: Recipe searching
We should totally hold Derek down and... let him up? Number one, I don't know Derek, and two, to not let him up would be rude.
Quote:

 

The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need.

Those boys simply would not play 'Drop the Handkerchief.'
~James Naismith
 


Name: Barry "Papa Smurf" Smith
Fortune cookie: He who laughs last thinks slowest. So don't think. Just laugh.
Worst habit related to the Internet: I plead the fifth.
We should totally hold Derek down and... put Elmers glue all over him then dump a jar or two of gold glitter on him. Then we could say he's a miner and just hit the mother lode.
Quote:

 

"Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while, the scum all floats to the top."

~Ed Abbey
 

Name: Alex Simmons
Fortune cookie: You will soon meet a child who takes two hours to make his bracket picks due to lack of attention span longer than five seconds.
Worst internet related habit: Hunt and peck typing...with my tongue (My material, Dad says I'll get it later)
We should totally hold Derek down and... make him watch Kansas get killed by Kentucky over and over.
Quote:

 

"Squirrel!"
 

Name: Mike Chastain
Fortune cookie: Relationships is like fingers of your hand. "One" cannot do much.
Worst habit related to the Internet: "Click here to learn the shockingly simple way to break bad internet habits!"
We should totally hold Derek down and... make him watch "My Own Private Idaho" repeatedly. Other Keanu Reeves movies could be substituted if that one doesn't seem to create the desired reaction.
Quote:

 

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

~Philip K Dick
 


Name: Scott “Bread and Butter” McLoughlin
Fortune cookie: “The outlook for a Simmons victory is bleak”
Worst habit related to the Internet: Constantly “googling” myself. My mother said that type of thing can make you go blind…
We should totally hold Derek down and... alter his appearance to make him a dead ringer for Ted Cruz.
Quote:

 

Bluto: “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, No?!”
Otter: “Germans?”
Boon: “Forget it. He’s on a roll."

 

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page updated: 4/8/2015.

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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