If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

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2014 Smackdown Bios

 

Name: Tifani "Coach K follows me on Instagram" Keith (Nice try, Tifani)
Smackdown Approved Name: Tifani “Queen Sparkle Fairy” Keith
I have been known to binge watch: Archer (We here at Smackdown Central are willing to admit to … some … familiarity with Archer…)
Way I remind myself of my mother: I remind myself of my mother as little as possible.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: The big shiny medal I earned by finishing my first half marathon!
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Freedom! Long live 'Merica!
Quote: "Today. Today... At the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves, but in each other. Today there is not a man nor woman in here that shall stand alone. Not today. Today we face the monsters that are at our door and bring the fight to them. Today, we are cancelling the apocalypse!" -Stacker Pentecost, Pacific Rim


Name: Derek “Motherless Goats of All Motherless Goats” Simmons
I have been known to binge watch: 30 Rock. I understand that folks often tell Alec Baldwin that he looks like me. He always thanks them.
Way I remind myself of my mother: I lie often to my children for recreational purposes.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: The prerequisites are nearly in place for my plan to corner the market on frozen orange juice.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Crown and Diet Coke.
Quote: "Say my name.”

Name: Paul "Sleepytime" Smith
Binge Watch: The Wire
Remind my self of my mother: I look at her picture (All prepped for the onset of dementia, eh?)
Smile: Finishing higher than Derek in the Smackdown
Taste: Thin-crust pizza
Quote: "All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy." Scott Alexander (whoever he is)

Name: Mark “WuShock” Vetter
I have been known to binge watch: Downton Abbey, I am interested in becoming a British Lord and want to see how to do it.
Way I remind myself of my mother: Smart AND good looking!
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Visions of WuShock cutting down basketball nets.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Being Victorious!
Quote: "Play Angry!"

Name: Craig “The Power of Positive Underwear” Kurtz
I have been known to binge watch: “Animal Cops”
Way I remind myself of my mother: My name; her maiden name was Craig. She was a wonderful person. (BTW, she would have been 77 this Thursday, March 13.)
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: We got a puppy last year, Scooter the Schnauzer.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Boxer briefs. No more tighty-whiteys for this low-post player.
(Well, you asked.) (Good to know…)
Quote: Selected especially for Derek: “The Elders were closer to the Maker of All Things and should be deferred to whenever they make their will known.”

Name: Mike “Pumba” Dome
I have been known to binge watch: Paint Drying (Somebody please explain Netflix to Mike…)
Way I remind myself of my mother: She likes to make baked goods. I like to eat baked goods.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: When I reminisce about dominating Derek in Tecmo Bowl back in the day.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Ramen Noodles (my wife loves to shop).
Quote: “Play Angry” (Sorry, only one Wichita State fan quote per Smackdown)
New and Improved Quote: “One man can’t change the world. That’s why I always use a spotter.”

Name: Bruce “Mr. Paddington” Miller
Binge watch: Everything I was too lazy to watch the first time around.
Remind myself of my mother: Too many to list.
Reasons to smile: The little stupid things I do like wear house slippers to the gym to go running.
Taste I’ve acquired: Loud music and video games.
Fav quote: “Relax. We’re all crazy. It’s not a competition.”

Name: John “Festus” Augusto
I have been known to binge watch: Criminal Minds
Way I remind myself of my mother: How much I like chocolate and ice cream.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: I get to work with smart college students doing cool research.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Quinoa
Quote: "It’s not so important who starts the game, but who finishes it." ~John Wooden and on Criminal Minds Season 2, Episode 7

Name: Katherine “Attitude” Holtmeyer
I have been known to binge watch: Big Bang Theory
Way I remind myself of my mother: By opening my mouth.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: When I leap over the counter at work and take stupid people down. The very thought of it gets me to grin!
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: NASCAR
Quote: Admiral Pike to Spock: "Mr. Spock are you showing me attitude?" Spock to Admiral Pike: "Several at once, which one do you prefer?"

Name: Aron "The Bell is Tolling" Rider
I have been known to binge watch: Breaking Bad, and Dexter. Be afraid.
Way I remind myself of my mother: height, spite, and smack ability... (We here at Smackdown Central assume that you mean your ability to smack, and NOT that you are smackable…?)
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: I really am inherently lazy, and will choose to revert back to that state when no one is looking from the Smith family...
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: ...Well...
Quote: "My natural talent of picking the correct teams to win the NCAA tournament..." (John McFarlane) I *am* a sucker for suck-ups: I am in administration now, after all...

Name: Clif “Magnum” Jefferis
I have been known to binge watch: Sherlock, Doctor Who, Fringe
Way I remind myself of my mother: I talk myself out of trying.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Painting
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Greek yogurt
Quote: "Everyone must smack Derek down!"

Name: Bryn “Calypso” Wittmayer
I have been known to binge watch: Sherlock
Way I remind myself of my mother: Any time I tell my kids not to do something.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse of children: Books.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: BBC drama.
Quote: "I'll just jump off that bridge when I come to it."

Name: Lisa "enough of winter already" Heston
I have been known to binge watch: 10 Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty
Way I remind myself of my mother: Looking in the mirror.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Ocean
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Whiskey over ice, aahhh!
Quote: "Take me as I am or watch me as I go....."
 

Name: Scott "Blessed are the Cheesemakers" McLoughlin
I have been known to binge watch:
Um...........................SpongeBob...............Oh, the SHAME!!!!
Way I remind myself of my mother: My intolerance..............for BS.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Those times when you are driving by a golf course, and a guy is just coming down off his back swing, and you lay on the car horn really hard, causing him to slightly raise up, and he tops the ball and you get to see it go skittering down the fairway..............yeah, BIG smile.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Mmmmmmm................green olives.
Quote: "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." - Dean Vernon Wormer

Name: "Marathon Sean" Heston
I have been known to binge watch: English Premier League (Soccer)
Way I remind myself of my mother: When telling stories, I can get emotionally invested in them.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Marathon race day. (Heck, any distance, really. And, I could even be a spectator.)
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Green bean casserole
Quote: “I run because long after my footprints fade away, maybe I will have inspired a few to reject the easy path, hit the trails, put one foot in front of the other, and come to the same conclusion I did: I run because it always takes me where I want to go.”
― Dean Karnazes, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner

Name: Michael “Chauncey” Bird
I have been known to binge watch: Reruns of Jayhawk tournament losses.
Way I remind myself of my mother: Just a sweet person, all and all.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: My dog.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: salumi
Quote: “Have fun stormin’ da castle.” from The Princess Bride

Name: Amy “Boom Boom” Smith
I have been known to binge watch: Breaking Bad
Way I remind myself of my mother: My spouse tells me I snore like her, but I've never heard it...
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Retirement: Only 7 years away!
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Poetry
Quote:

… Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson


Name: Arthur “Danger” Gepner
I have been known to binge watch:
Breaking Bad (All six seasons in 4 days)
Way I remind myself of my mother: My dainty bones.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Riding my Harley.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: San Pellegrino Aranciata Rossa
Quote: "The body apologizes to the soul for its errors, and the soul asks forgiveness for squatting in the body without invitation."
― Gregory Maguire


Name: Slim “the” Dog
I have been known to binge watch:
Squirrels
Way I remind myself of my mother: Svelte figure
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Liver!!
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Liver!!
Quote: "Every dog must have his day." - Jonathan Swift
 


Name: Todd “June Bug” Thummel
I have been known to binge watch:
YouTube. Can't stop it. Gardening vids, how to survive a zombie apocalypse vids, how to fix obscure things vids. And of course, funny animal videos.
Way I remind myself of my mother: A lifelong avoidance of manual labor. And a love of reading.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: I smile because I do not have a spouse or children. And then I do whatever the hell I want. Whenever I want to do it.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Nicorette Gum and vintage firearms. Always an interesting weekend.
Quote: Shomer Shabbos! -Walter Sobchak
 


Name: Barry "Mac Daddy" Smith
I have been known to binge watch: Shaun of the Dead. Over and over.
Way I remind myself of my mother: My kids are really smart and good looking.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: New socks.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Peanut butter and boxed wine. Not together, that would be disgusting.
Quote: "Sometimes nothing can be a pretty cool hand."
 


Name: Patrick “King Patrick” Smith
I have been known to binge watch:
Real Husbands of Hollywood
Way I remind myself of my mother: I also spent some of Paul’s childhood smacking him around.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Somewhere there is a bottle of tequila running around with my name on it…
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Fox News
Quote: “It is good to be the King.”
 


Name: Mike “Butch” Chastain
I have been known to binge watch:
My Name is Earl
Way I remind myself of my mother: These sexy calves.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Clean underwear… fresh out of the dryer.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Bubble bath. Calgon, take me away!
Quote: “I’d rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done.” – Lucille Ball
 


Name: Wayne “Gadzooks” Simmons
I have been known to binge watch:
The Golden Girls
Way I remind myself of my mother: As I recall, she had a mouth on her too.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Nebraska Cornhusker football circa Dr. Tom Osborne.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Disappointment and not a little humility (regarding Nebraska football since Dr. Tom)
Quote: “By St. Boogar and the All the Saints at the Backside Door of Purgatory!”
 


Name: Rand “Capt. Twinkletoes” Simmons
I have been known to binge watch:
Arrow – the salmon ladder thing touched me in a way I was totally unprepared for.
Way I remind myself of my mother: I am also a storyteller.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Though it is iffier this year than usual, KU Basketball.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Artisanal soap. I especially like the Bay Rum and Seaweed bars.
Quote: “I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it’s acid in the face—who will love them now?” ― Mindy Kaling
 


Name: Paul “Gutripper“ Lehmkuhler
I have been known to binge watch:
Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Way I remind myself of my mother: These bony knees are not an accident.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Yeah, Dr. Tom was awesome.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Dodge City Red Demon football
Quote: “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand
 


Name: Andrew “Hubba Bubba” Farhat
I have been known to binge watch:
Seahawks Football
Way I remind myself of my mother: I'm a little vertically challenged
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Jesus
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Bone In Rib Eye Steak
Quote: "What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" -Jesus
 


Name: John “Herkimer” Wittmayer
I have been known to binge watch:
Matlock
Way I remind myself of my mother: The wise, knowing eyes.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: My granddaughters.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Uncle Pete’s Colon Cleansing Hot Sauce.
Quote: “If you have stock in Apple, sell it now! Not because the company’s going downhill, or going to start losing money. The stock’s value will continue to slide because stockbrokers are panicky, short-attention-having dingbats who exist on hype. Plus, you know, the stock market is just a shared delusion with no real objective value…”
 


Name: Ann “The Champeeeen of the Woooorld” Vetter
I have been known to binge watch:
Mr. Vetter mowing the lawn without a shirt. I especially enjoy admiring his giant… Wichita State tattoo!
Way I remind myself of my mother: We are both saucy.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Chillaxin’ on a Florida beach. Also, using the word “chillaxin.”
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: Victory.
Quote: “It is the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” – Tallulah Bankhead

 

And in our ‘Offspring’ Category:
 

Name: Alex “Derek the Younger” Simmons
Have been known to binge watch:
Sherlock
Way I remind myself of my mother: I am not sure if I believe him, but Dad says that my brains, beauty and my charming wit – not to mention my humility - all come from her.
Thing that makes me smile: Bad weather. (I wallow in others' misery.)
Taste: Bad puns
Quote: "You must love your enemy before you can destroy them." - Ender Wiggin

 

Name: Aidan “Pretty Boy” McLoughlin
I have been known to binge watch:
Sons of Anarchy
Way I remind myself of my mother: We both live for Entertainment Tonight
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: Jamming with my band.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: The ladies, baby.
Quote: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." – Oscar Wilde

 

Name: David “Memphis Man” McFarlane
Binge Watch:
Simpsons, when possible.
Way I remind myself of my mother: I am musically gifted.
What makes me smile: I smile at the thought of winning the DEREK SMACKDOWN
Taste I have developed: CHEESEBURGERS… paradise on earth.
Quote: "Some people think that the Derek Smackdown is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I assure you it's much more serious than that"


Name: Maggie "Joanna Mason" Jefferis
I've been known to binge watch:
Doctor Who
Way she reminds herself of her mother: I look in the mirror or do some math.
Reason to smile: Books. This is also why I cry.
Taste acquired in last 10 years: I am only 12. What do you mean? Okay, life.
Quote: "Never ignore coincidence. Unless you are busy. Then always ignore coincidence." -the doctor
 


Name: Alejandro “Pony Boy” Augusto
I have been known to binge watch:
Project Runway
Way I remind myself of my mother: I’m feisty.
One reason to smile that is not my spouse or children: The chicas.
Taste I have acquired in the last 10 years: My paycheck.
Quote: “Fortune favors the audacious.” – Desiderius Erasmus

 

Name: John “Thunderation” McFarlane
I have been known to binge watch: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Way I remind myself of my mother: My natural talent of picking the correct teams to win the NCAA tournament (wow, somebody is really sucking up…)
One reason to smile: Derek getting his butt whooped by two kids and a dog.
Taste I have acquired in the last ten years: History class
Quote: "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."-Groucho Marx


 

 

 

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page updated: 3/20/2014.

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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