If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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2012 Smackdown Bios

 

Name: Mike "Flat Iron" Chastain
Favorite pickup line:  Have you seen the size of my wallet?
Name of your 80’s cover band:  Better Off John Cusack

What ice cream flavor would you be?  Rumplemintz
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Middle-earth  
Favorite movie cliché:  The magical 'enhance' button on the computer that is able to turn a tiny, blurred, grainy image in a photo or video into a clear, unmistakable piece of evidence
Quote:  "You're… not only handsome, but a powerful man. I could see the second you walked in here, you were someone to reckon with" - Hollister from the film Pretty Woman

 

Name: Arthur "Johan" Gepner

Favorite pickup line: "I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. Soooo I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes."

Name of your 80’s cover band: Missing Persons

What ice cream flavor would you be? Chocolate Almond

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Thailand

Favorite movie cliché : 'Ah, Mr. Bond, welcome, come in. Let me show you my entire evil plan and then put you in a death machine that doesn't work'.

Quote: “He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I’m afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died.”

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Name: Tifani "I told my Daddy Duke was gonna beat Kentucky in 1992" Jefferis
Pickup Line: From my church retreat days... "I was reading the book of Numbers last night and noticed yours wasn't in it."
80's Cover Band: The Molly Ringwalds
Ice Cream Flavor: Irish Coffee
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Tokyo Disney
Favorite movie cliché : Winning the big game to mend dysfunctional relationship with father figure or to make father figure proud. (Bonus points to Rudy for doing both in one scene.)

Quote: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

 

Name: Clif "Handyman" Jefferis

Favorite pickup line: My wife says I have pretty eyes, what do you think?

Name of your 80’s cover band: Simply Irresistible

What ice cream flavor would you be? Rocky Road

Place you have never been that you would like to visit:  Australia.

Favorite movie cliché: Clint Eastwood.

Quote: I aspire to be a better person than Newt Gingrich.  I have low standards.

 

 

Name: John "Dr. Jam" Augusto
Favorite pickup line: I don't need a line...I'm that GOOD!
Name of your 80’s cover band: John Augusto and the two hearts band (cover George Strait and the Ace in the Hole band)
What ice cream flavor would you be? Mocha or Tuiti Fruti
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Faro, Portugal
Favorite movie cliché: I ain't got time to bleed....
Quote:
We’ve gotta roll with the punches
Learn to play all of our hunches
Makin’ the best of whatever comes your way
Forget that blind ambition
And learn to trust your intuition
Plowin’ straight ahead come what may.
(Jimmy Buffett song Cowboy in the Jungle)

 

 

Name:  Paul Smith

Favorite pickup line:  "You must be tired...because you were running through my dreams all night."

Name of your 80’s cover band:  Counterplan

What ice cream flavor would you be?  Vanilla Bean

Place you have never been that you would like to visit:  Ayers Rock, Australia

Favorite movie cliché:  Movies?  What are those?  I don't get to see those anymore.

Quote:  "Dad tried to be cool once, but it didn't work."  --My 5-year-old

 

Name:  Barry “Supertramp” Smith

Favorite pickup line: If you were a booger, I'd pick you.

Name of your 80’s cover band: Epic Laundry (anagram for Cyndi Lauper)

What ice cream flavor would you be? Cookies and Cream

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Tristan da Cunha

Favorite movie cliché: Villains always have English accents

Quote: "I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm." - Mike Tyson

 

Name: Mark “Marky Markle, The Basketball Oracle” Vetter

Favorite pickup line: “Here’s looking at you, kid.”
            (Humphrey Bogart to Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca, 1942)

Name of your 80’s cover band: The Eagles

What ice cream flavor would you be? Rocky Road

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Napa Valley, CA

Favorite movie cliché: Each small town in America has a bitter and twisted individual whose sporting career was cut short by an unfortunate accident

Quote:To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.” — Conan the Barbarian

 

 

Name: Bryn "no it's not Smith!" Wittmayer
Favorite pickup line: Read any good books lately?
Name of your 80’s cover band:  &U
What ice cream flavor would you be? Chocolate and peanut butter
Place you have never been that you would like to visit:  Machu Picchu
Favorite movie cliché: The new member of an established team who always gets killed off.
Quote:  Some say they like to smack Derek "as much as the next guy," but I like to smack Derek considerably more than the next guy.

 

Quote:  Sean "is it baseball season yet" Heston
Favorite pickup line: "Hi."
Name of your 80’s cover band:  Kluster Fox
What ice cream flavor would you be? Nutty
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Reality
Favorite movie cliché: Utopian non-zombie-infested amusement parks . . . They don't exist.
Quote: "Nihilists! F--- me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

 

Name: Lisa Heston

Favorite pickup line: (for me to use) I've got a broom and mop with your name on it ;-)

Name of your 80’s cover band: Pop Goes the World

What ice cream flavor would you be? Chunky monkey

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: The cliffs of insanity.

Favorite movie cliché: Zombies walking along slowly dragging their leg behind them will still catch the able bodied citizens they are after.

Quote: Do or do not, there is no 'try' - Yoda

 

Name:  Amy "Sorry I'm late with my Bio" Smith
Favorite pickup line:  "Are those real?"
Name of your 80’s cover band: Max Headroom and the New Cokes
What ice cream flavor would you be?  I prefer frozen custard
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Patagonia
Favorite movie cliché:  No one ever has to spend 30 seconds looking for
their keys before a car chase.  They've all planned ahead by leaving
their keys in the ignition, apparently.
Quote: Every year, a quote?  This is too much work.  Just use mine
from last year.

Name: Aron "The Champ" Rider

Favorite pickup line: "Hey, did you know I won the 2011 Smackdown? Why, yes, I would LOVE a drink...."

Name of your 80’s cover band: Dancing Queen

What ice cream flavor would you be? Nuts All Around

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Last Place. Wait, no: Anywhere more progressive than here. 

Favorite movie cliché: Nice guys finish last! 

Quote: "Hey I didn't throw the chair, I was passing it over to an elderly woman who needed to sit down..."

 

Name: The Toddzilla Experience

Favorite pickup line: "My Name is Bucky Goldstein"

Name of your 80’s cover band: The Morrissey The More I Do

What ice cream flavor would you be? Mango Already!

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Graceland.

Favorite movie cliché: The Guy Always gets the Girl in the End. But maybe I'm going to the wrong websites.

Quote: I can't be bothered to look up a witty quite. I can even be bothered to spell it correctly.

 

 

Name: Scott "I used to be in good shape" McLoughlin
Favorite pickup line - via wingman......"Haaaaave you met Scott?"
Name of your 80’s cover band: REO Beerwagon
What ice cream flavor would you be? Schweddy Balls
Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Wherever they keep the dignity.
Favorite movie cliché: - a la 'Blazing Saddles':  "Let's head 'em off at the pass"
Quote: in the immortal words of Socrates, "I drank what?"

 

Name: Craig “Hubba, Hubba” Kurtz

Favorite pickup line: “You must be a traffic ticket, cuz you got ‘fine’ written all over you.”

Name of 80’s cover band: The Izods

Ice Cream Flavor I would be: Banana Cream Sin

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: The Jungle, Baby

Favorite Movie Cliché: The "Oh, you naive/childish/simplistic Americans with your cowboys and fair play" speech...

Quote: Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil – J. Paul Getty

 

Name: Derek “How do I even dress myself in the morning” Simmons

Favorite pickup line: “Just how low are your standards?”

Name of 80’s cover band: The Reaganauts

Ice Cream Flavor I would be: Really, Really Vanilla

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Bikini Bottom

Favorite Movie Cliché: All dowdy looking females who take off their glasses and let their hair down become the most attractive person in the film.

Quote: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened – Dr. Seuss

 

Name: Katherine “It’s almost too easy” Simmons

Favorite pickup line: “Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.”

Name of 80’s cover band: Revenge of the Smurfs

Ice Cream Flavor I would be: Chocolate Therapy

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: Area 51

Favorite Movie Cliché: Stripping to the waist and revealing a glistening 6-pack makes the hero invulnerable.

Quote: Start off every day with a smile and get it over with – W.C. Fields

 

Name: Patrick “Skippy” Smith

Favorite pickup line: “Is this pew taken?”

Name of 80’s cover band: The McRibs

Ice Cream Flavor I would be: Moose Tracks

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: The Hundred Acre Wood

Favorite Movie Cliché: After the hero dispatches a group of villains, the lead villain will appear and slowly clap his hands in mock tribute. Then, suddenly an even larger group of thugs will suddenly emerge to attack the hero again.

Quote: “Boom goes the dynamite.”

 

Name: Wayne “Yayhole” Simmons

Favorite pickup line: I would have to say the Ford F150 series.

Name of 80’s cover band: Johnny Cash

Ice Cream Flavor I would be: Berried Treasure

Place you have never been that you would like to visit: The sexy part of Nebraska

Favorite Movie Cliché: She may be a hooker, but she has a heart of gold.

Quote: “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win” – Doug Collins

 

 

 

page added: 4/11/2012

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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