If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling
and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.
"Never Gonna Give You Up" Jefferis
I've had my reality show planned for some time: Cooking in Real
Time. Give me a Martha Stewart or elaborate Food Network menu, a
strict budget, and an afternoon to make it happen. This will include
shopping for groceries with my four kids and preparing the food in
my small kitchen while answering calls from my needy friends,
healing the wounded kids that seem to appear during the afternoon
hours and trying to give just the right jobs to my 3 year old
"helper" as I go. Trust me when I tell you that the resulting
nightmare would make Survivor look like a cakewalk.
Summer activity: Sends kids to
camp and spends hours a day in the bathtub chanting, "Calgon, take
me away" under her breath.
Brush with fame: Tough call...
I hugged Patrick Swayze at a horse show in 7th grade. Then Teddy
Kennedy gave me directions on Capitol Hill a few years later. But I
guess getting a kiss from Regis Philbin should be the answer. You
should note the obvious lack of face time with Coach K and Coach
Wojo. It's a sad thing.
Quote: "Most of the time- and
this includes naps- I'm an F-18." -Charlie Sheen
"Let Me Show You the Chair"
Summer Activity: barbecue
Quote: "Between two evils,
I always pick the one I never tried before." -Mae West
"Kibbles 'n' Bitts" McLoughlin
(1999, 2004, 2008)
Reality Show: "Backyard
Summer Activity: Well it sure
as hell ain't paintin the house. I can tell you that much.
Brush with fame:
Quote: "As the probable first
ever four-peeter, you bet I'm in."
(1998, 2005, 2007)
Summer Activity: Stay
inside and stay cool
Brush with fame: I
shudder to think of the infamy that will be associated with
me when some future historian twigs to the fact that I was
Derek Simmons' father.
Quote: "The batsman's
Holding, the bowler's Willey." -Brian Johnston (as Michael
Holding faced Peter Willey)
Reality Show: "Undercover
Summer Activity: Cruising
on my Harley.
Brush with fame: Talked to
Martin Sheen at a grocery store in Dayton, Ohio, also played 18
holes of golf with R. Lee Ermey in Tampa.
Quote: "The first thing
men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't
looking, they notice her breasts." -Conan O'Brien
"I'm still here... I think" Jefferis
Summer Activity: Swim and
fish - sometimes in the same place.
Brush with fame: Laurie
Smith from Trading Spaces
Quote: "With Morgan and
Tifani in this, statistically the chances of a Jefferis winning
this just got better. It might even be me this time!
Mark "Newbie" Vetter
Reality Show: "The Life and
Times of Alfred P. Newman"
Summer Activity: Boys just
wanna have fun!
Brush with fame: Rand Simmons
- up and coming successful lawyer in Emporia, KS. (We
here at Smackdown Central applaud your enthusiasm.)
Quote: "Whoever said 'nothing
is impossible' never tried to nail jello to a tree."
The Rest of 'Em
John "The Rock" Augusto
Reality Show: "All About the
Summer Activity: Be a warm,
Brush with fame: Every day I
look in the mirror.
Quote: "Finally the Rock has
come back to win this year's Smackdown. Can you smell what the John
Mike "Tigers Blood" Chastain
Reality Show: Duh. "Winning"
Summer Activity: Avoiding
mowing the lawn.
Brush with fame: Kurt Russell.
Maybe not face-to-face, but I was in the same Radio Shack as him
when he yelled, "Do you know who I am?!" to the clerk behind the
Quote: "What has been Sheen
cannot be unSheen."
Lisa "Dancing Queen" Heston
Reality Show: "Shake that
Booty Thang and other wild adventures"
Practicing trying to say "thang" with a straight face.
Brush with fame: Harrison
Ford at a Bob Dylan concert.
Quote: "...cause your
friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no
friends of mine..."
Reality Show: Keeping Up with
Summer Activity: "Ah, Summer -
the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of chorine, the sound of
the ice cream truck music... Who am I kidding? I will do what
everyone else in Mississippi does in the summer. I will lay in front
of the nearest air conditioner vent for 16 hours a day."
Brush with fame: I am on a
first name basis with two-time Smackdown Winner, Tifani "Mom"
Quote: To send light into the
darkness of men's hearts - such is the duty of The Smackdown.
Craig "Pac-12-Man" Kurtz
Survivor: Phoenix (Thursday, March 10, high was 88 degrees.
Spring lasted about three hours this year.)
Summer Activity: Get
out of Phoenix! Duh.
Brush with fame:
George Foreman, a couple of years before he won his title at
40 something. He was sparring at Fort Lewis, near Olympia,
Washington to entertain the soldiers. It was breathtaking to
watch how hard he could hit. When the press talked to him
afterwards, it looked like he was only about 5-11, but his
biceps were as big around as a dinner plate. HUGE. And a
super nice guy.
Quote: "You can't
process me with a normal brain." -Charlie Sheen
Aron "Sledgehammer" Rider
Reality Show: "DIY Hippie
Summer Activity: Drywall
and drink. At the same time.
Brush with fame: Adrian
Belew, and a bunch of classical cats who are now all dead.
Quote: "A child of five
would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." -Groucho
Derek "11th time is the Charm" Simmons
Reality Show: "Men with
Summer Activity: Foment
discontent among indigent labor forces.
Brush with fame: Danny
Manning, in 1987. His hands are the size of tennis rackets.
Quote: "I think people
should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose;
they should draw the line at goats, though." -Elton John
Rand "Squeaky" Simmons
Favorite Summer Activity:
I am not a big fan of basting in my own sweat, so I have
been known to take 6 showers per day.
Brush with fame: I
once saw Phil Kline scurry down a hall at a hotel in Topeka.
His politics aside, I was surprised by how short and furtive
Quote: "I have strong
feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want
to be controlling it." -Clint Eastwood (from Pink Cadillac,
Amy "There's Not a Better Smith" Smith
Reality Show: Church Gigs From
Summer Activity: Sweat.
Brush with fame: Either Bill
Clinton or Kathy Lee Gifford.(You
probably should have knocked before you walked in on them like
Quote: "Behind every great man
is a woman rolling her eyes."
Patrick "Manhide" Smith
"Slathering the Manhide"
Summer Activity: Generally
I go out to the reservoir and engage in Noodling - an awesome
new way to ... fish...(whatever
you say, "Manhide")
Quote: "Happiness is
having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another
city" -George Burns
Paul "P-Smitty" Smith
"Outnumbered" - the story of a man who lives with nothing but
females. I am sure that potpourri cannot be far behind.
Summer Activity: Visit
Derek and brag about how I kicked his butt at the Smackdown.(We
here at Smackdown Central approve, but suggest that this would
also be appropriate as a year-round activity...)
Brush with fame: Supreme
Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Quote: "I saw weird stuff
in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie,
godless, evil stuff ... and I want in." -Homer Simpson
Todd "T-Woww" Thummel
Reality Show: "Who ate
Summer Activity: Put
on my daisy dukes and go roller blading in the park. I'm a
Brush with fame: Bill
Clinton. I shook his hand. At least, I hope it was his
Quote: I can't
outquote Charlie Sheen this year, so I am not even going to