If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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2011 Smackdown Bios

 

 

The Champs


 

 Tifani "Never Gonna Give You Up" Jefferis (2001, 2010)

Reality Show: I've had my reality show planned for some time: Cooking in Real Time. Give me a Martha Stewart or elaborate Food Network menu, a strict budget, and an afternoon to make it happen. This will include shopping for groceries with my four kids and preparing the food in my small kitchen while answering calls from my needy friends, healing the wounded kids that seem to appear during the afternoon hours and trying to give just the right jobs to my 3 year old "helper" as I go. Trust me when I tell you that the resulting nightmare would make Survivor look like a cakewalk.

Summer activity: Sends kids to camp and spends hours a day in the bathtub chanting, "Calgon, take me away" under her breath.

Brush with fame: Tough call... I hugged Patrick Swayze at a horse show in 7th grade. Then Teddy Kennedy gave me directions on Capitol Hill a few years later. But I guess getting a kiss from Regis Philbin should be the answer. You should note the obvious lack of face time with Coach K and Coach Wojo. It's a sad thing.

Quote: "Most of the time- and this includes naps- I'm an F-18." -Charlie Sheen

 

 Katherine Simmons Holtmeyer (2009)

Reality Show: "Let Me Show You the Chair"

Summer Activity: barbecue

Quote: "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." -Mae West

 Scott "Kibbles 'n' Bitts" McLoughlin (1999, 2004, 2008)

Reality Show: "Backyard Warriors"

Summer Activity: Well it sure as hell ain't paintin the house. I can tell you that much.

Brush with fame: Schwarzenegger, Baby!

Quote: "As the probable first ever four-peeter, you bet I'm in."

 
 Wayne "Catfit" Simmons (1998, 2005, 2007)

Summer Activity: Stay inside and stay cool

Brush with fame: I shudder to think of the infamy that will be associated with me when some future historian twigs to the fact that I was Derek Simmons' father.

Quote: "The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey." -Brian Johnston (as Michael Holding faced Peter Willey)

 

 Arturo "Hef" Gepner (2003)

Reality Show: "Undercover Engineer"

Summer Activity: Cruising on my Harley.

Brush with fame: Talked to Martin Sheen at a grocery store in Dayton, Ohio, also played 18 holes of golf with R. Lee Ermey in Tampa.

Quote: "The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts."  -Conan O'Brien

 

 Clif "I'm still here... I think" Jefferis (2000)

Reality Show: "Canceled!"

Summer Activity: Swim and fish - sometimes in the same place. 

Brush with fame: Laurie Smith from Trading Spaces

Quote: "With Morgan and Tifani in this, statistically the chances of a Jefferis winning this just got better. It might even be me this time!

 

 


The Newbie


 

Name: Mark "Newbie" Vetter

Reality Show: "The Life and Times of Alfred P. Newman"

Summer Activity: Boys just wanna have fun!

Brush with fame: Rand Simmons - up and coming successful lawyer in Emporia, KS(We here at Smackdown Central applaud your enthusiasm.)

Quote: "Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried to nail jello to a tree."

 

 


The Rest of 'Em


 

Name: John "The Rock" Augusto

Reality Show: "All About the John"

Summer Activity: Be a warm, outside John.

Brush with fame: Every day I look in the mirror.

Quote: "Finally the Rock has come back to win this year's Smackdown. Can you smell what the John is cooking?"

 

Name: Mike "Tigers Blood" Chastain

Reality Show: Duh. "Winning"

Summer Activity: Avoiding mowing the lawn.

Brush with fame: Kurt Russell. Maybe not face-to-face, but I was in the same Radio Shack as him when he yelled, "Do you know who I am?!" to the clerk behind the counter.

Quote: "What has been Sheen cannot be unSheen."

 

Name: Lisa "Dancing Queen" Heston

Reality Show: "Shake that Booty Thang and other wild adventures"

Summer Activity: Practicing trying to say "thang" with a straight face.

Brush with fame: Harrison Ford at a Bob Dylan concert.

Quote: "...cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine..."

 

Name: Morgan Jefferis

Reality Show: Keeping Up with the Jefferis

Summer Activity: "Ah, Summer - the smell of freshly cut grass, the smell of chorine, the sound of the ice cream truck music... Who am I kidding? I will do what everyone else in Mississippi does in the summer. I will lay in front of the nearest air conditioner vent for 16 hours a day."

Brush with fame: I am on a first name basis with two-time Smackdown Winner, Tifani "Mom" Jefferis.

Quote: To send light into the darkness of men's hearts - such is the duty of The Smackdown.

 
 

Name: Craig "Pac-12-Man" Kurtz

Reality Show: Survivor: Phoenix (Thursday, March 10, high was 88 degrees. Spring lasted about three hours this year.)

Summer Activity: Get out of Phoenix! Duh.

Brush with fame: George Foreman, a couple of years before he won his title at 40 something. He was sparring at Fort Lewis, near Olympia, Washington to entertain the soldiers. It was breathtaking to watch how hard he could hit. When the press talked to him afterwards, it looked like he was only about 5-11, but his biceps were as big around as a dinner plate. HUGE. And a super nice guy.

Quote: "You can't process me with a normal brain." -Charlie Sheen

 

Name: Aron "Sledgehammer" Rider

Reality Show: "DIY Hippie House Makeovers"

Summer Activity: Drywall and drink. At the same time.

Brush with fame: Adrian Belew, and a bunch of classical cats who are now all dead.

Quote: "A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." -Groucho Marx

 

Name: Derek "11th time is the Charm" Simmons

Reality Show: "Men with Enormous... Egos"

Summer Activity: Foment discontent among indigent labor forces. 

Brush with fame: Danny Manning, in 1987. His hands are the size of tennis rackets.

Quote: "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats, though." -Elton John

 

Name: Rand "Squeaky" Simmons

Favorite Summer Activity: I am not a big fan of basting in my own sweat, so I have been known to take 6 showers per day. 

Brush with fame: I once saw Phil Kline scurry down a hall at a hotel in Topeka. His politics aside, I was surprised by how short and furtive he looked.

Quote: "I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it." -Clint Eastwood (from Pink Cadillac, 1989)

 

Name: Amy "There's Not a Better Smith" Smith

Reality Show: Church Gigs From Hell

Summer Activity: Sweat. 

Brush with fame: Either Bill Clinton or Kathy Lee Gifford. (You probably should have knocked before you walked in on them like that...")

Quote: "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

 

Name: Patrick "Manhide" Smith

Reality Show: "Slathering the Manhide"

Summer Activity: Generally I go out to the reservoir and engage in Noodling - an awesome new way to ... fish... (whatever you say, "Manhide")

Quote: "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city" -George Burns

 

Name: Paul "P-Smitty" Smith

Reality Show: "Outnumbered" - the story of a man who lives with nothing but females. I am sure that potpourri cannot be far behind.

Summer Activity: Visit Derek and brag about how I kicked his butt at the Smackdown. (We here at Smackdown Central approve, but suggest that this would also be appropriate as a year-round activity...)

Brush with fame: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Quote: "I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff ... and I want in." -Homer Simpson

 

Name: Todd "T-Woww" Thummel

Reality Show: "Who ate all the...?"

Summer Activity: Put on my daisy dukes and go roller blading in the park. I'm a traditionalist.

Brush with fame: Bill Clinton. I shook his hand. At least, I hope it was his hand...

Quote:  I can't outquote Charlie Sheen this year, so I am not even going to try.

 

 

 
 

page added: 4/10/2011

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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