If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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2010 Smackdown Bios

 

 

The Champs


 

 Katherine “Bridezilla” Simmons

 

Smackdown Region: Midwest

Guilty pleasure song: Ebay by Weird Al Yankovic

Title of self-help book you should write: The Emotionally Abused Little Sister: Overcoming Years of Exposure to Derek

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Pretty much what I did last year…

Quote: “I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

 

  Scott "Tail Gunner" McLoughlin
Smackdown Region:  
Midwest
Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to:  Karma Chameleon - Culture Club
Title of the self help book you should write:  My Life of Bad Beats: Poker Wisdom of a Wannabe
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown:  By writing a "kick-ass" concession letter.
Quote:  “I can't believe you called a $200 bet with THAT!?!” - Scott "Michelin Man" McLoughlin

 

 Wayne “Capt. Zero” Simmons

Smackdown Region: Midwest

Guilty pleasure song: Matchmaker, from Fiddler on the Roof

Title of self-help book you should write: Workin’ It in the Middle of the Night: An Addict’s Guide to FarmTown

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: By gifting all my friends chickens.

Quote: “When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.” -Yoda

 

 Art “The Situation” Gepner

Smackdown Region: East

Guilty pleasure song: Ice, Ice, Baby, by Vanilla Ice

Title of self-help book you should write: Overcoming Unusual Looks with a

Winning Personality

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: By doing jello shots and tasing myself.

Quote: “This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.” - Dick Vertleib

 

 Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third “But you can call me Tifani Jefferis”

Smackdown Region: South

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: anything by the A*Teens (an ABBA cover band)

Title of the self help book you should write: Everyone Needs a Hobby

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I'm going to Disney World!

Quote: “Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast... like Derek actually winning the Smackdown.”  (Loosely quoted from Alice in Wonderland) 

 

 Clif "Sgt. Schultz" Jefferis

Smackdown Region: Southeast

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Separate Ways by Journey...okay pretty much any song by Journey I feel slightly guilty for liking.

Title of the self help book you should write:  Stealing a title from my son Morgan (and perhaps one Tifani will also steal): “Anvils Don't Make Good Parachutes: Sage Wisdom from Our Children”

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Really, you think I have a chance of winning?!

Quote: “I know nothink!”

 


The Newbies


 Dr. John “Pookie Bear” Augusto

Smackdown Region: Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: New Order True Faith
Title of the self help book you should write: How not to take ten years to finish a PhD
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Drinking beer downtown Mass Street, Lawrence
Quote: “I am not picking KU because KU will win the national championship!
Just like Bizarro is the opposite of Superman, if I want my Jayhawks to win, I have to pick the opposite.”

 

 Sean “Pee Wee” Heston
Smackdown Region: 
Midwest
Guilty pleasure song: The Man in Me, by Bob Dylan

Title of the self help book you should write: The Courage to Go Commando
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: A deluxe mani-pedi – Hey, those nails don’t take care of themselves.

Quote: “Nobody roots for Goliath.” - Wilt Chamberlain

 

 Lisa “Huckleberry” Heston
Smackdown Region: 
Midwest
Guilty pleasure song:  Summer Nights by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John

Title of the self help book you should write: Managing a House of Men
How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: There is a bottle of mescal in the cabinet with my name on it.

Quote: “I'm your huckleberry.” -Val Kilmer in Tombstone

 

 


The Rest of 'Em


 Mike “The Witchdoctor” Chastain

Smackdown Region:    Midwest

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to:    ABBA's song “Lay All Your Love on Me”  Who can resist this disco megagroup?

Title of the self help book you should write:  How to Pick Up Low Self-Esteem Women (For Fun or Profit)

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown:     Some variation on the Japanese Kasedori Festival. Though I don't know where I'll get a Cousin It costume.

Quote:    Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. - Plato

 

 

 Paul "P-Smitty" Smith

Region:  West (Although, I'm rooting to rename it the Pacific Northwest.)

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Pour Some Sugar On Me--Def Leopard

Title of the self help book you should write: Guide to Management: Even If You Make It Idiot-Proof, They Will Build a Better Idiot

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I'm going to Mexico (actually, I'm going to do that whether I win or not...but it will be that much sweeter if I win).

Quote:    Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” -Cordel Hull

 

 

  Patrick "P-Diddy" aka "P-Darrel" aka "Tricky" Smith (Nice try, Patrick)

Smackdown approved nickname: “Spanky”

Region: Mid-Atlantic

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to:  Step-By-Step Theme Song

Title of the self help book you should write: Say Good-Bye to Failed Relationships! How to Make That 5th Marriage Stick

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Bathing, finally.

Quote:    “Ain't no man can avoid being born average, but there ain't no man got to be common.” -Satchel Paige

 

 

  Amy “Tea Bag” Smith

Smackdown Region:  Mid-Atlantic

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: Hungry Eyes from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  Actually, anything from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  RIP Ratrick Swayze (We here at Smackdown Central approve this message).

Title of the self help book you should write: Seaworthy: How to serve 20 years in the Navy without setting foot in so much as a kayak.

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Graciously accepting my congratulations and offering advice to my brothers about where they went wrong with their picks.

Quote:  “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”  --Gloria Steinem

 

 

 Aron "Speedee" Rider

Smackdown Region: Mid-Atlantic, by force

Guilty pleasure song that you would otherwise never admit you listen to: With the resurgence of 80s music, I am disappointed Foreigner didn't make the grade. Bet you can guess my song.

Title of the self help book you should write: Finding Your Feminine Side After 40

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Margaritas, what else?

Quote: From my son, David: “Something on my body prevents me from sleeping: I think it's my head.”

 

 

 Derek "Super Delicious" Simmons (really? Super Delicious? We think not…)

Smackdown Approved Nickname: “Moderately Tasty”

Smackdown Region: West Region

Guilty pleasure song: Strokin’, by Clarence Carter

Title of the self help book you should write: “How to write demand letters for fun and profit”

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: There will be dancing and singing, a worldwide celebration that can be described only as “rapturous.”

Quote:  “I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider's name was called Derek.  He held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest. And Lo, Derek rode triumphant to the Smackdown Championship, vanquishing the lower beasts in the field.”

 

 

 Barry “Snookums” Smith

Smackdown Region: West

Guilty pleasure song: Baby Got Back, by Sir Mixalot

Title of self-help book you should write: Sexy Calves; The Art of Wearing Tube Socks

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Spending a little “quality time” with my sock collection.

Quote: “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” - Charles Shackleford

 

 

 Judge John “Nancy Boy” Wittmayer

Smackdown Region: West

Guilty pleasure song: Anything from ABBA

Title of self-help book you should write: Contempt of Court:  A Judge's Favorite Hammer

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: Give some lucky criminal defendant probation instead of prison.

Quote: When asked why she stabbed her ex-boyfriend in the chest, she said "Because I promised him if he ever broke up with me I would stab him - and I always keep my promises to him."  (I sent her to prison)

 

 

 Prof. Todd “T-woww” Thummel

Smackdown Region: K-State country

Guilty pleasure song: I Feel Pretty, from West Side Story

Title of self-help book you should write: Chicken Soup for the Unrepentant Perv

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: A bubble bath, a bottle of tequila and my Kenny G greatest hits CD.

Quote: “The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play ‘Drop the Handkerchief.’” – James Naismith

 

 

 Morgan “Rog” Jefferis

Smackdown Region: South

Guilty pleasure song: Dance Epidemic, by Electric Six

Title of self-help book you should write: How to know things that are totally useless except for that one time where it's the topic on final Jeopardy

How you plan to celebrate winning the 2010 Smackdown: I honestly don't know, but it will involve explosions and loud music.

Quote: “An escalator cannot break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Broken’ sign; it should say ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’” - Mitch Hedberg 

 

 

 Rand “Banzai” Simmons

Smackdown Region: Midwest

Guilty pleasure song: The Climb, by Miley Cyrus

Title of self help book: The Rand Method: Tapping Into Your Inner Awesome

How I plan to celebrate winning the Smackdown: A long and obnoxious phone call to my brother.

Quote: “If the NBA were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I’d watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy.” – Bobby Knight

 

  

 

 

page updated: 4/6/2010

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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