If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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Meet the 2008 Competitors

Presented in order of their finish in the 2007 Smackdown...

Wayne “Grande” Simmons
School: Grafton Grade School

Restaurant: Sheraton 101

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Fried Green Grasshoppers

Favorite Grooming Product: Toe Nail Polish

Thing no one knows about me: No one knows that I once water skied and I loved it!

Quote: “I'm in my prime. There's no goal too far, no mountain too high. Willma Rudolph
 

Barry “Smack Dab” Smith
School: Sacajawea Sweatshop... er... Elementary School

Restaurant: Cafe Yumm

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Yummy Food

Favorite Grooming Product: What is this? (Ah-ha... much is explained...)

Thing no one knows about me: I have a relationship with women's underwear that can only be described as "unnatural."

Quote: “The hardest thing in the world to understand, is income tax. Albert Einstein
 

Antonio Cyprian “Flower” Sanchez
School: Wyatt Earp Annex Education Center and GED Preparatory Academy

Restaurant: Some seedy Asian place

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Cream of Sum Yung Gai

Favorite Grooming Product: Epilady Hair Removal System (OUCH!!)

Thing no one knows about me: I fart musically in my sleep.

Quote: “Chile's new president, Michelle Bachelet is her name... She is a single mother, a socialist, and an agnostic. In this country not only could she not be elected president, but her phone would be tapped by the FBI. Bill Maher
 

Clif Jefferis
School: Multiple... I was shunted from school to school until one took.

Restaurant: The Little Door (Los Angeles)... not bad food, but pricey wine. Strangely, allows smoking, which I thought was banned in CA.

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Spinach Gnocchi (bland) and Grilled Sea Scallops

Favorite Grooming Product: Shampoo

Thing no one knows about me: Once, I was actually arrested for being too sexy for my shirt.

Quote: “If I don't win this thing again this year... well, I guess I'll keep coming back for more abuse.
 

Art “Little Joe” Gepner
School: Wilroads Gardens Elementary School of Hardknocks

Restaurant: I'd like to say Hooters or Cafe Risque, but Hofbrau Beer Garden is the real answer (and even better).

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Jaeger Schnitzel

Favorite Grooming Product: Braun 360degree complete

Thing no one knows about me: I was Eliot Spitzer's "right hand man" until recent allegations came to surface.

Quote: “War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. John Stuart Mill, English Economist & Philosopher (1806-1873)

 

Patrick “Spanky” Smith
School: Miss Lilly's School for "Special" Children

Restaurant: McDonalds

What I ate: Nothing, I just went to look at the pretty, pretty lights.

Favorite Grooming Product: Nothing gets my day started like Uncle Fred's Ear Wax Remover.

Thing no one knows about me: If girdles for men are wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Quote: “Without Goliath, David is just some punk throwing rocks. Billy Crystal
 

Craig “Colonel” Kurtz
School: Greybull, Wyoming. The high school mascot was, naturally, the Buffaloes.

Restaurant: Flo's Asian Restaurant in Scottsdale

Favorite St. James Day Snack: I forget what it is called, by gum, but it is mighty tasty!

Favorite Grooming Product: Duct Tape. You see, it's almost Speedo season here and, well, a man wants to look his best... (We here at Smackdown Central are trying very hard to get this image out of our heads. Very, very hard.)

Thing no one knows about me: I adopted Derek when Ann Marie was in St. Louis and he came back to Oregon. My wife told me not to bring home strays, but he just looked at me with those big puppy-dog eyes, and... I didn't realize he wasn't house broken...

Quote: “I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990. Dave Barry
 

Michael Todd “Opposable” Thummel
School: Lincoln Elementary (Stinkin' Lincoln, a rough place.)

Restaurant: Radina's Coffehouse

Favorite St. James Day Snack: homemade lentil-veggie soup

Favorite Grooming Product: Hair gel... and nose-hair clippers. (For which we here at Smackdown Central are particularly grateful...)

Thing no one knows about me: I recently set up a tiny TV in the bathroom.

Quote: “I get satisfaction of three kinds. One is creating something, one is being paid for it, and one is the feeling that I haven't just been sitting on my ass all afternoon. William F. Buckley
 

Scott “Showtime” McLoughlin
School: William J. Lepetomaine Memorial Elementary and Brothel

Last restaurant I went to: I don't remember... it's down from Rand's house.

What I ate: The "Macho" Meal

Favorite Grooming Product: You know I'm a Dapper Dan man, but really it's my sweet new Remington Beard Trimmer.

Thing no one knows about me: I secretly like musicals.

Quote: “You can't believe everything you think. R. Beeler (2003)
 

Paul “Squeaky Clean” Smith
School: Washington Elementary School; Salida Elementary School, Ord Elementary School (I was run out of 3 states before Jr. High.)

Restaurant: Marco Polo

Favorite St. James Day Snack: General Tsao Chicken

Favorite Grooming Product: Remington Microscreen Razor - shaves as close as a blade or my money back

Thing no one knows about me: Despite the persistent rumors to the contrary, I never intentionally attempted to kill my little brother... twice.

Quote: “Eliot Spitzer: He'll bring passion back to Albany. actual slogan for Spitzer's 2006 governor's campaign
 

Rand “Super D” Simmons
School: a number of them... but Sunnyside Elementary left the most lasting impression (read, "the biggest scars...")

Restaurant: Casa Ramos

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Flautas

Favorite Grooming Product: Bubble Bath

Thing no one knows about me: Until probably a few seconds ago... the "Bubble Bath" thing

Quote: “Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. P.J. O'Rourke
 

Judge John Wittmayer
School: Blossom Gulch Elementary School

Restaurant: Flying Pie Pizza

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Pizza and Beer

Favorite Grooming Product: Listerine

Thing no one knows about me: I lived 3 summers in a migrant camp when I was in grade school and picked crops.

Quote: “I hereby sentence you to the custody of the Corrections Division of the State of Oregon for a period of 300 months, with credit for time served. You are not eligible for time off for good behavior or any other form of early release.
 

Derek D. Simmons, Warrior-Poet
School: Sunnyside Elementary, home of the Bobcats. The classrooms were demolished shortly after I left the school. No one has ever proved a connection.

Restaurant: Los Dos Amigos (Motto: "If it seems like we are rushing you, that's because we are.")

Restaurant Order: I do not even have to order. They automatically bring me the Taco Salad del Abogado Omnipotente (literally, "taco salad of the all-powerful attorney"). If Rand, Paul, or John were to go there, each would be served the Taco Salad del Abogado Funcionario Publico ("taco salad of the lawyer who suckles at the public teat"). Wayne would get the Taco Salad del Campeon Por Tercera Vez ("taco salad of the unbelievably lucky"). Clif would get Taquitos Pequenos. He knows why.

Favorite Grooming Product: For me, it is all about the maximum-hold hair gel. It provides good rain protection. I like to shellac a good half-pound or so on my head each morning, then challenge my sons to try to mess it up. Alex is getting big enough that he did manage to dent it one morning recently. I am considering adding a hairspray base and topcoat as a countermeasure.

Thing no one knows about me: After years of covert research, I have determined that panties are both comfortable and flattering for men, if properly worn. However, lace still makes me itch.

Quote: “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind. Horace Mann, US Educator (1796-1859)
 

Keko "Katherine the Great" Simmons
School: Sunnyside Elementary and Central Elementary. (Anywhere the Brothers Simmons weren't!)

Restaurant: China Buffet. It is a Chinese Buffet (hence the name)that is run by Mexicans. There is also a Mexican Buffet in the restaurant, but I don't eat from that one. I will eat anything from the Chinese buffet that does not have seafood. I know that answers a lot of questions.

Favorite St. James Day Snack: See the Chinese Buffet explanation.

Favorite Grooming Product: My Victoria's Secret perfume. Hey, it is Victoria's Secret... that she has so graciously shared with me... the answers to which I have been sworn to secrecy on. But hey, for the right price...

Thing no one knows about me: I am hyper. Ask the people that work with me, or look at my family. 'Nuff said.

Quote: “I am not wrong until it can be proven, either dictionary or encyclopedia will do, and then it is negotiable and even then... CHECK YOUR SOURCES!!! In other words, I am ALWAYS right. Derek Simmons (circa 1982, or so)
 

Tifani “My Name Backwards is In A Fit” Jefferis
School: Baker Elementary. I saw my first gang fight there. Good times.

Restaurant: Haru, the sushi place next to the liquor/check cashing store. (Unlike my swanky husband, I do not go out to nice places.)

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Spicy Tuna Rolls YUM!

Favorite Grooming Product: Anything by Kiehl's, and Bigelow's Rose Salve. That salve will fix any chapped lip and it smells nice, too!

Thing no one knows about me: I buy my shoes in the kid department, and I have an unhealthy addiction to the Food Network.

I'll give you one about Clif is you promise never to say it came from me. (At Smackdown Central, our lips are sealed.) Clif recently told me that while he would not "do" Rachel Ray, he would get it on with Martha Stewart and stay around for breakfast.

Quote: “Mom, have you seen this Pixie of Death I got at school? how my 4-year-old described a cupid tattoo... I think it pretty much sums up how well Clif and I are parenting, don't you?
 

New and Improved Nickname: Tifani "Pixie of Death" Jefferis

 

Paul "Love Me Tender" Lehmkuhler
School: Jefferson School of Circus Arts

Restaurant: The Cowtown. Really.

Favorite St. James Day Snack: Steak.

Favorite Grooming Product: Anything that makes my "thinning gray" lay down. Bacon grease even makes the dog want to spend time with me.

Thing no one knows about me: I've never met a man I didn't like. Though, I still haven't actually met Derek...

Quote: “You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
 

Mike "Buddy" Chastain
I'm not telling you my middle name. Actually, Mike may not even be my REAL name. I'm pretty sure it isn't. Perhaps you should call me Bill or Buddy or Steve."

School: What? Is this some sort of phishing scam to steal my identity? A better question would be to ask my Mother's maiden name. (It's not paranoia if they are really after you, eh Mike?)

Restaurant: Look. I'm a married man. I don't go to restaurants. Especially with women who are not my wife. I don't even like the Olive Garden.

What you ate: I ordered a chicken dish. I'm pretty sure that they switched it with pork back in the kitchen. I can only attest to it being "some kind of meat".

Favorite Grooming Product: Don't you know that the health insurance industry has RFID chips implanted in toothbrushes, combs and hairbrushes? They want to track your personal hygiene habits (or lack thereof) in order to increase your rates. My wife tells me every year that what I really want for Christmas is a hair straightening flatiron It burns soooo good.

Thing no one knows about me: I refuse to call our household feline companions by their common English name. I prefer to call them "carpet dolphins".

Quote: “In a perfect world, T.S. Eliot would spell "toilets" backwards. But the world is imperfect, flawed. Eric Idle
 


 

 

page created: 3/19/2008

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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