If James Naismith were alive today, he would be grilling Kielbasa

and cursing his brackets, just like the rest of us.

 

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Meet the 2007 Competitors

If history is any guide, our three elites should just throw down for the Smackdown 2007 title and let the rest of us play amongst ourselves. Messrs. McLoughlin, Sanchez and Simmons (the eldest) have owned this competition for six of the nine years it has been in existence and the last three in a row.

“The Cabal”

Antonio “Junior Burger” Sanchez
Resume: Stole the show 2002 and 2006.

Favorite Presidential Candidate: You guys are going to think I'm crazy, but... Dennis Kucinich is in favor of ratifying Kyoto and an immediate withdrawal from Iraq. And he's from Cleveland - the home of all things sexy!

I would like to smack Derek with a two-foot sea bass.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Angelica Huston as Morticia Addams. Oh my goodness gracious. I think I am going to pee!

Favorite get rich quick sheme: Selling my body. Check this out. I have it, I sell it. I STILL have it!

Quote: “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. (That's our boy...)
 

Wayne “Burrito Grande” Simmons
Resume: Won it all in 1998 and 2005.

Favorite Candidate: Am I the only one who has noticed that Dennis Kucinich is in favor of universal health care AND that he is a vegan. THAT is what I'm talking about.

I would like to smack Derek with a fish... a big WET fish.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams or Mrs. Munter? Aunt Bea (Yikes! That is a whole new LEVEL of creepy...)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Marry someone with money. (Good thinking, but an approach that might better have worked... oh, forty-one years ago or so, ehh?)

Quote: “If you think you are going to skid and fall on the ice, stuff your pants with toilet paper.” (We here at Smackdown Central have long suspected that Grande was stuffing something...)


Scott “McMuffin” McLoughlin
Resume: Ran the table in 1999 and 2004.

Candidate: I like Obama, dammit. I think the guy rocks. I also think Kucinich would be cool. He could be our shortest president.

I would like to smack Derek with a pickled herring. (Starting to sense a bit of an aquatic trend here...)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Definitely Morticia Addams, I'll bet she would be a real tiger in the sack.

Favorite get rich quick scheme: You mean besides the lottery? I would have to say just about any pyramid scheme. (We here at Smackdown Central just got an email from this Nigerian guy...)

Quote: "Oh, that's it baby, I'm all in."
 

They are not quite up to the level of the Elites, but each of our second tier players have won the whole enchilada at least once... something 10-12 others in the projected field have never been able to do. Still, can this group answer the real question: What have you done lately?

 

The Second Tier

Motto: We don't completely suck.

 

Clif “Hoosier Daddy” Jefferis
Resume: Smackdown Champ in 2000.

Favorite Presidential Candidate: Barack Obama. I just like the sound of his name. Do I need a better reason? Okay, he's not Hillary and he's not that sleazy plaintiffs' lawyer from South Carolina. I might still go for a good bipartisan insanity team of John McCain and Howard Dean, but I just don't see that coming together any time soon. (Clif, if you are up for some insanity, Smackdown Central would urge you to consider Dennis Kucinich...)

I would like to smack Derek with a dead tuna; a smelly one that will be hard to wash off... and with enough heft to leave a decent-sized mark.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: While I think that Yvonne De Carlo was a beautiful lady, the way they made her up made her look more like a grandmother than a hot, if creepy, mom. Hot creepy grandmothers just aren't my thing. She was actually prettier than Carolyn Jones, but the make-up threw things off for me. (So Morticia Addams by default -- got it.)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Good old back-breaking hard labor. Wait! The lottery, definitely the lottery. I've already won $3 for my $20 investment.

Quote: “Oh, I wants me a piece of Derek this year. And I ain't talkin' 'bout a LITTLE piece, neither.” (Good Lord, Clif -- How long have you been living in Mississippi?)
 

Lt. Col. Art “Love Monkey” Gepner
Resume: Won the Smackdown in 2003.

Favorite Presidential Candidate: K-Fed. He knows how to get the women like Bill Clinton and he was able to put up with a woman who could party with Paris Hilton. He has no real talent yet has millions like Ross Perot. And last but not least, he picked his own nickname and hasn't gotten sued by anyone. Oh, and I like his Mickie D's commercial. (And, truthfully, K-Fed is more likely than current Smackdown favorite, Dennis Kucinich, to win the whole thing...)

I would like to smack Derek with Lonnie Anderson's Gazangas. (We here at Smackdown Central can't decide if Mr. Gepner thinks this is a good thing or if he really does realize that Ms. Anderson is now in her 60s...)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams or Mrs. Munster? Neither, I prefer Elvira. (The Love Monkey "prefers" Elvira? Well, the Loni Anderson thing makes more sense now, anyway...)

Quote: "I'm experiencing Deja Moo because I've heard this bull before."


Tifani “Hormone” Jefferis
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Here's my thinking on Kucinich. He's short, kind of goofy looking, doesn't have a lot of money, and he's got this attractive young wife. So I'm am thinking he must be really "packing" if you catch my meaning... (Hmmm... Gives new meaning to "getting on" the Kucinich bandwagon...)

I would like to smack Derek with the back of my hand. That he should use those lips to speak Coach K's name? It's blasphemy. Blasphemy!

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Raul Julia as Gomez Addams Although Morticia would do in a pinch.... 

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Send husband to labor as attorney all day. Go to bed. Get up. Repeat. (A clever plan. We here at Smackdown Central will have to discuss this with the Missus. Hey, wait a minute...)

Quote: “I am taking this Smackdown off before I explode." (Smackdown Central has been advised that Ms. Tifani is pregnant with child number four and the hormonal imbalances are pretty -- um -- spectacular. Have a good rest Ms. T. We will see you next year.)

 

Just barely in the top half of the field, the Smiths have provided a welcome element of comic relief to the Smackdown over the past few years. Last year, however, Paul and Barry attempted to scale the heights of respectability with 2nd and 3rd place finishes overall. Do the Smiths dare dream of a 1,2,3 finish?

 

The Smith Clan

Motto: Please define 'suck'.

 

Barry “Fredo” Smith
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Dennis Kucinich. It is time for the Elfs and Leprechauns to get a little love. (Barry, we here and Smackdown Central want you to know that we are 'feelin' you, man.)

I would like to smack Derek with a marinated turkey. (We can see the turkey, but we are a little concerned about the marinade...)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams, of course.

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Everyone send me $10 and I will tell you what it is... (Doggone it. Where IS our wallet?)

Quote: “A drink a day keeps the shrink away.”
 

Paul “Poindexter” Smith
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Al Gore -- I mean, after the whole "Inconvenient Truth" thing, he's gotta be the man. (We here at Smackdown Central are imagining a Kucinich/Gore "dream" ticket...)

I would like to smack Derek with volume 179 of the Oregon Appellate Reporters. (That is the thickest one, right?)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: I don't know about Mrs. Addams or Mrs. Munster, but the guy that played Herman Munster was a lotta man.... (Not that there is anything wrong with that...)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: State Employment. If I come to work every day for the next 30 years, I'll get to retire and go work a second job to make ends meet. Can it get any better than that? (Perhaps we need to review what the word "quick" means...)

Quote: “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.” (Well, we here at Smackdown Central bet that Poindexter will be sleeping on the couch tonight...)
 

Patrick “Spanky” Smith
Favorite Presidential Candidate: I am looking for a Republican version of Dennis Kucinich. Somebody with a cool name like Newt Gingrich, but who is less of a goober. Aw, who am I kidding? I'll probably end up voting for the Kuch! (Long live the Kuch, long live the Kuch!)

I would like to smack Derek with a wet noodle.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Wouldn't Wednesday Addams be of age by now?

Favorite get rich quick scheme: I have a system for playing Internet Blackjack. And I pick up aluminum cans on the weekends. (Maybe you should send $10 to Fredo.)

Quote: “Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.” (Amen, brother.)

 

 

The Middle of the Pack

Motto: We are destined for mediocrity.

Derek “Burrito Pequeño Simmons
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who technically is already the president of Iran. I like him solely for the mojo generated by his name. Say it aloud three or four times. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It's lyrical. It sells itself.

I would like to smack Derek with a                     . Well, since I AM Derek, this would be... a couple of cheerleaders. (Well, SOMEBODY has to do the grunt work...)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams and Mrs. Munster seem to be combined in my memory into Elvira. So I choose her. Loni Anderson would also be okay in an emergency. (Ah yes, the Mistresses of the Dark...)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Okay. You forward $100 to me. Then, within 30 days, from the privacy and comfort of your own home, in your spare time, SOMEONE will give you a check that probably will EXCEED $100, provided that you have a job that pays at least monthly. It's that easy! Unless you are Craig Kurtz, in which case you should send me $200....

Quote: “Year 9 (in my 15 year plan for global domination) calls for a crushing and overwhelming victory in the Smackdown. The fact that years 1 through 8 ALSO called for that does not detract from its inevitability. Mark my words: I shall have my victory in this life or the next.” (Yes, yes, crushing blah, blah, blah, inevitable, blah, blah, blah. Though it may seem like a lot of empty, ritual chest-beating, we here at Smackdown Central just wouldn't feel like it was spring if "Pequeno" didn't at least try to call his shot...)

 

Craig “Rear Admiral” Kurtz
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Martin Sheen, if he could channel Jed Bartlet. Of course, anybody up to and including Krusty the Clown would be a vast improvement over the incumbent. (Come on Craig, don't hold back. Tell us how you REALLY feel...)

I would like to smack Derek with Michael Jordan's birth certificate. Derek reminds me that not only am I slower, shorter, and poorer than MJ, but that I am older too. For the record, I am MUCH younger--and I have more hair. So there.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams or Mrs. Munster? Kim Novak from the movie Bell, Book and Candle. (Obscure, sure, but.... why not?)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: As if I'd share my secrets with the likes of this crowd...

Quote: “Yeah, Pequeño? I got your $200 right here.

 

Rand “Wax on-Wax off” Simmons
Favorite Presidential Candidate: I was worried that The Kuch would see too fantastic to be a presidential candidate. But compared to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Jed Bartlet, maybe not...

I would like to smack Derek with a slight damp towel.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Addams. I am pretty sure she owns some really interesting pieces of leather...

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Unfortunately, I lack a get rich scheme. Maybe I will go wax the Mercedes while I give it some more thought.

Quote: “'Waxing the Mercedes' is not a euphemism for, um, self-abuse.”

 

The Dark Horses

Motto: Hope springs eternal.

John “Da Judge” Wittmayer
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Eugene McCarthy, the "anti-war" Democrat in 1968. "Get Clean for Gene" was the slogan. (Ah, yes. The insidious promotion of daily bathing for political purposes. Certainly sounds like a Democrat...)

I would like to smack Derek with               . What I would like to use to smack Derek is not so much the question. "Would I smack Derek" is a better question. And, although there may be times when one might be tempted to do so, it would be a crime in Oregon to actually smack Derek. And, as you might expect, I am not really too much into committing crimes. (Except, as Smackdown Central has it, the 'incident' involving the midget, the donkey, and the case of motor oil...)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Neither Mrs. Addams nor Mrs. Munster is hot in my view. I'm going with Sophia Loren. (Yes, but is she at least semi-creepy?)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: The only viable get rich scheme I is the lottery. And that is a very bad investment.

Quote: You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to yours.” ~ Yogi Berra.

 

Katherine “Baby Schmeke” Simmons
Favorite Presidential Candidate: Sam Brownback. He puts the "God" in "god-like hunk of man."

I would like to smack Derek with pretty much anything I can get my hands on. We have YEARS of unfinished business, he and I.

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Sam Brownback.

Favorite get rich quick scheme: Arbitrage. I like to keep an eye on the muni bond markets and what derivatives are doing. I figure if you can avoid price convergence, you are golden.

Quote: Lay on, Macduff, and damned be him who first cries Hold! Enough!” ~ William Shakesspeare.

 

Todd “Fresh Meat” Thummel

Favorite Presidential Candidate: I have no idea. I pretty much dislike all options, but if forced to choose from active candidates I'd probably vote McCain. I'd quickly regret it and then deny I ever voted for him. (Come on Meat, ride the Kucinich Wave...) 

I would like to smack Derek with a 4x4 framing board. Many prefer the 2x4, but I prefer the added heft, density and penetrating properties...  

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Morticia. Hands down. (Or even, ahem, tied...)

Favorite get rich quick scheme: My fox television project: "NASCAR WIVES." Imagine the plot outlines: Young New Nascar Guy and his Super Rich Model Wife, Older Nascar Guy and Aging Super Rich Model Wife, Beer Drinking Nascar guys and their various Super Rich Model Girlfriends. Enter Conflict ala A New Nascar Driver from somewhere "Yankee" like Boston. Oh, the drama. The guys will fight, the gals will sleep around -- it will be great television!

Quote: Wait, is this Smackdown thing something that I need to be sober to do?

 

Paul “Lefty” Lehmkuhler

(Lefty advised Smackdown Central that he would not be able to participate in the Smackdown this year. Something about "statutory minimum sentence." At any rate, we look forward to welcoming Lefty back next year. Maybe he will tell us about his tattoos....)

Favorite Presidential Candidate: The only way Dennis Kucinich could be a better candidate is if he were from Nebraska. 

I would like to smack Derek with               . I don't really feel the need to smack Derek. But I would be happy to hold him for someone else. (We here at Smackdown Central like that attitude, Lefty.)

Preferred semi-creepy hottie: Mrs. Lehmkuhler. She has been looking at me kind of speculatively ever since she bought me that $2 million life insurance policy...

Favorite get rich quick scheme: I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But my wife has been talking about coming into some money in the near future. Maybe I will ask her what she has in mind.

Quote: Who left this skate board at the top of the stairs.

 

 
 

page updated: 3/15/2007

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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