*****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*****
Pontificio Consiglio delle Comunicazioni Sociali
Palazzo San Carlo - 00120 Città del Vaticano
His Holiness, Pope Francis PP.
00120 Via del Pellegrino
Citta del Vaticano
The Holy See
Office of the Press Secretary to His Holiness Pope Francis
Monday, April 6, 2015
Remarks by His Holiness, Pope Francis from the central
loggia of St. Peter’s Basicilia, The Vatican, Rome
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
Over the last week we have witnessed a miracle.
Through the thoughts and prayers of the faithful, western
civilization has been saved.
Our beloved Sister Amy, Defender of all things Good and
Just, the Shield of the Smackdown, emerged triumphant in
this year’s contest.
She triumphed despite all odds to defeat the evil Derek.
Let this be a lesson to us all, brothers and sisters. Never
doubt that goodness will ultimately prevail. Never doubt
that your prayers are heard. And never doubt that The
Smackdown is Derek’s kryptonite. His Lex Luthor.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I have contacted Pres. Obama and mocked him for his early
prediction of victory for Derek.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING FROM CROWD)
I had to remind him there are powers spiritual, as well as
temporal. And while the College of Cardinals were growing
worried, watching their brackets collapse, I prayed.
Because I knew in my heart that goodness will ultimately
triumph over evil.
And so it has.
Some may question their picks this year. And it is good to
reassess our behavior from time to time. As The Pope, you
would think I would fare better in this annual event. But I
went with Notre Dame vs. St. John’s, obviously. So it’s not
so good for me.
But for the world, it is good.
Some may ask, how can we repay Amy? How can we show our
appreciation? Some have even suggested sainthood. But
remember, she must perform TWO miracles before canonization.
If she pulls it off again next year, well, well see.
So on behalf of the body of faithful Smackdowners and Todd
Thummel, I do hereby happily concede to Amy’s most glorious
(CROWD IS CHEERING, NUNS ARE WEEPING)
Anyhow, I know you all want to get back to celebrating…
I just couldn’t help in joining you on this glorious
Peace be upon you.
And also unto Derek.
For he suffers like Job.
While he has certainly been blessed, with a beautiful wife
A successful career. And a modicum of intelligence, he also
For once each year, this man, this poor man, is humbled and
humiliated by his complete inability to do this one thing:
win the Smackdown.
And this year was particularly cruel. So please pray for
Don’t go overboard though; we don’t want him winning next
I mean, lets be real, brothers and sisters.
As many have asked “What is a Smackdown, without smacking
Hopefully we will never have to answer that question.
Unde iustum est, omnes in Universo Romanorum Orbe Doctores
legis, ea, quae legis sunt, sapere, et non fidem doctrinis
Hence, it is just, that all doctors of the law in the
Universe of the World of the Romans, those, who are of the
law, are wise, and do not teach the faith with various
(CROWD CHEERS WILDLY)
(HOLY FATHER PROCLAIMS YEAR OF JUBILEE, MARCH 6, 2015 to
Therefore, in celebration of our deliverance, in honor of
the suffering of all Smackdowners, I do hereby declare this
to be a year of Celebration and Jubilee!
(CROWD GOES MENTAL, COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS)
All monies owed to Derek, are forfeit!
(CROWD IS A CHEERING MASS, WEEPING, WAILING)
All debts incurred to Derek, are forfeit!
(CROWD CHEERS WILDLY)
All children’s chores owed to Derek, are forfeit!
And from this day, until March
Amy Smith shall have
the Freedom of the City of Rome.
By Papal Decree, let this be!
(CROWD CHEERS WILDLY)
May the Lord be with you!
(CROWD IS OPENLY WEEPING)
Sancti Apostoli Petrus et Paulus: de quorum potestate et
auctoritate confidimus, ipsi intercedant pro nobis ad
Precibus et meritis beatae Mariae semper Virginis, beati
Michaelis Archangeli, beati Ioannis Baptistae et sanctorum
Apostolorum Petri et Pauli et omnium Sanctorum, misereatur
vestri omnipotens Deus; et dimissis omnibus peccatis
vestris, perducat vos Iesus Christus ad vitam æternam.
Indulgentiam, absolutionem, et remissionem omnium peccatorum
vestrorum, spatium veræ et fructuosae pœnitentiae, cor
semper paenitens, et emendationem vitae, gratiam et
consolationem Sancti Spiritus; et finalem perseverantiam in
bonis operibus tribuat vobis omnipotens et misericors
Et benedictio Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filii, et
Spiritus Sancti, descendat super vos et maneat semper.