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The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

Friday, March 27, 2015

Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation on the
Smackdown Crisis

Oval Office

8:01 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans, tonight, I’d like to
talk with you about the Smackdown. This annual event brings
together family and friends from all over our great nation,
good people from all walks of life, hard working people who
are united in one common bond: beating Derek Simmons. This
struggle is part of the larger struggle Americans have waged
through the centuries.

For more than 200 years, our tradition of fighting evil and
tyranny has allowed us to build the most prosperous,
inclusive, dynamic nation in history. Through countless acts
of daring and courage, we have been able to confront the
forces of evil and win. We have liberated peoples and
continents from unspeakable horrors and tyranny. In all
these fights for justice and decency, we have prevailed.
We have never faltered.
We have never failed.
Until tonight.
That’s because,

(PRESIDENT GULPS)

that’s because Derek Simmons has won the Smackdown.

(LONG PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

I do not know what is store for us at this point. I have
contacted the leadership of both Houses of Congress. Speaker
Boehner offered me his unconditional support as he wept
openly. Admittedly, he does that most nights, but with
tonight’s news that Derek has won the Smackdown, Rep.
Boehner’s sobs were particularly long and labored. I thanked
him for his support and then contacted Senate Majority
Leader Mitch McConnell. Senator McConnell cursed my ancestry
and showered me with racially tinged invectives, then
offered me his full support. He asked me what my plans for
confronting this crime against humanity were.

I told him honestly, I had no idea. I’m out. Tapped.

(PRESIDENT REMOVES PACKAGE OF CIGARETTES FROM JACKET,
SELECTS ONE, LIGHTS IT)

I mean, Jesus…

(OFF CAMERA: “Um, Mr. President..)

(PRESIDENT SPEAKS TO VOICES OFF CAMERA)

No, I’m serious. At this point what am I supposed to do? The
bastard won it! And you guys…Really? You’re turning to me
for solutions? I spent 2 billion dollars on a website! A
website that didn’t work, to solve a problem that didn’t
exist, to help people who don’t care! I mean….

(PRESIDENT RETURNS TO FACE CAMERA)

I contacted my predecessors for their thoughts and
suggestions on this Smackdown Crisis.
Former President George W. Bush suggested we send the
Secretary of the Treasury to Oregon. We could offer Derek a
sizable bailout to make him just go away. If that fails, we
could always launch airstrikes, send ground troops and drive
Derek from power. Afterwards, we could liberate the people
of Oregon and spread democracy to the Pacific Northwest.

I told him I didn’t care for that idea, not because I am a
Noble Peace Prize winner who rejects the use of force as an
tool of diplomacy, but because I have met people from Oregon
and I’m not so sure I like the idea of them voting.

Pres. Bush concurred and wished me luck.

I then tried to contact Former President Bill Clinton. I was
unable to reach him because he was out on a date.

George H. W. Bush suggested we work the diplomatic angle, go
to the U.N. After that fails we could launch airstrikes,
send in ground troops, liberate the people of Oregon….

I thanked him for his advice.

I didn’t call Former President Carter because, well, because
he is such a sanctimonious prick

(OFF CAMERA: “Mr. President!”)

(PRESIDENT TO VOICES OFF CAMERA)

What? It’s true!

(PRESIDENT RETURNS TO FACE CAMERA)

Folks, I’m gonna be on the level with you. Like no president
has ever leveled with you.

(PRESIDENT REMOVES BOTTLE OF SCOTCH FROM DESK, POURS A
DRINK, DRINKS)

The Smackdon is over and Derek Simmons won. And there is not
a damn thing we can do about it.

(OFF CAMERA, AUDIBLE GASPS)

What? You want more truth! I’ll give you the truth!
In 1948, aliens really did land at Roswell, New Mexico. It’s
true. But no, they didn’t give us any advanced technology.
They just ate lime flavored Jello, fixed their ship and
left. Didn’t even say thanks for the Jello.

(OFF CAMERA, MORE AUDIBLE GASPS)

Yeah? I read that in the secret files and I’m all like “What
the ….”
Also, Nov. 22, 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, shot
and killed President Kennedy.
I know, right? I didn’t believe it either.
Oh, uh, Moon Landings? Faked ‘em.

(OFF CAMERA, AUDIBLE GASPS, CRY OF “Somebody Stop Him!” )

In 1975 we invented cars that run on water. It’s true. Oil
companies bought the patents, and locked them away, just
like your kooky uncle said they did.

(OFF CAMERA, AUDIBLE GASPS, YELLING, SCREAMING “General, no!
)

Income Taxes, the I.R.S., all actually illegal. Fractional
Reserve Banking, fiat currencies and the Federal Reserve
System is just one big, giant scam! It’s inherently
inflationary and doomed, but we’re in too deep and…

(OFF CAMERA, SOUND OF STRUGGLE, UNNAMED AIR FORCE GENERAL
COMES INTO FRAME, ATTEMPTS TO PULL PRESIDENT FROM DESK,
PRESIDENT CLINGS TO DESK )

The entire American economy for the last century has been a
massive Ponzi scheme that..

(OFF CAMERA, SHOUTS, SCREAMS, CAMERA FALLS TO FLOOR, IN
DISTANCE WE SEE VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, SITTING ON A
COUCH, CARRYING ON A CONVERSATION WITH A HAM SANDWICH )

O.J. Simpson was guilty as hell! Yeah, I said it!

(OFF CAMERA, SCUFFLING, FIGHTING SOUNDS)

They really do have pills that make your weenie bigger! They
were invented by Merck Pharmaceuticals in 1986 and…

(OFF CAMERA, SCUFFLING, FIGHTING SOUNDS)

You really can lose weight with a special cream you rub on
your thighs…

(OFF CAMERA, SCUFFLING, FIGHTING SOUNDS)

I was actually born in Kenya! Take that, bit…

(OFF CAMERA, SCUFFLING, FIGHTING SOUNDS)

(SCREEN FADES TO BLACK, 40 SECONDS)

(PRESIDENTIAL SEAL APPEARS, 38 SECONDS)

(TRANSMISSION RESUMES, PRESIDENT FACING CAMERA, SLIGHTLY
BRUISED BUT ULTIMATELY VICTORIOUS)

My fellow Americans, I would like to apologize for the last
few moments of my speech.
Everything I just told you was a lie.

Except for the part about Derek winning the Smackdown. That,
unfortunately, was true.

No one wanted this to happen. But it has happened. And we
must accept our fate. We will come together like Americans
always do in times of crisis. We didn’t collapse in the face
of the Great Depression.

(OFF CAMERA, SOMEONE QUIETLY SAYS “YES WE CAN” )

When tyranny rolled across Europe and Asia, Americans united
to defeat an axis of evil, and forged a United Nations that
sought to keep the peace, for generations to come.

(OFF CAMERA MORE VOICES RESPOND “YES WE CAN” )

During the long twilight struggle known as the Cold War,
Americans united…

(OFF CAMERA SOUND OF TELEPHONE RINGING )

What the..? Seriously? I’m in the middle of a speech here,
who could possibly…

(OFF CAMERA VOICE “SORRY MR. PRESIDENT, IT’S FROM FORMER
PRESIDENT CLINTON, HE WANTS TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THOSE SPECIAL
PILLS FROM MERCK PHARMACEUTICAL )

What? I mean….tell him I’ll call him back.

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

Where was I?

(OFF CAMERA VOICE “UH, THE PART WHERE YOU SAY SOME
UPLIFTING NONSENSE, THE SHEEP RESPOND WITH ‘YES WE CAN’, AND
WE ALL DELUDE OURSELVES INTO THINKING IT’S GONNA BE OK” )

Well, that narrows it down.

(OFF CAMERA VOICE “SORRY, SIR, BEST I CAN DO” )

It’s ok, I’ll just adlib the rest

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

Shit.

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

I know shit's bad right now with all that Smackdown Crisis
bullshit.

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

And the dust storms.

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

And we’re running out of French Fries and burrito coverings.

(PRESIDENTIAL PAUSE)

But I gotta solution….Let’s just accept defeat, and move on,
man.
I mean, we’ve been through worse. And we always got next
year. So, stay strong America.

So on behalf of Todd Thummel, and all decent Americans, I
offer my full and unconditional concession to this years
winner of the Smackdown.

Thank you.
God bless you.
And may God continue to bless the United States of America

END
8:29 P.M. EST
(PRESIDENTIAL SEAL)

 

 

 

Kuddos go to Todd Thummel, Master Wordsmith

March 2015

page updated: 4/8/ 2015

Photos of James Naismith courtesy of The Naismith Foundation. Used with permission

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